A few things I’ve learned

12 Online Dating Tips for the Midlife Vibrant Woman

1.
Text Their Photo to a Friend

Take a picture of your date’s face from the app and text it to a friend before you leave the house. Even when you meet in a public place. Have their last name? Even better.

2.
If it’s Not a “Hell Yes”, it’s a “Hell No”

Life is too short for “meh” dates. Wait until you’re really excited about your date. And yes, video calls ARE your secret weapon.

3.
Personal Information with a Capital “P”

Online, many sites have the year you were born and first name and the city where you live. Be careful about providing more information. One man asked me my birthdate and I told him I wasn’t comfortable sharing that information. A normal person would respond by saying, “Oh my gosh. Of course. If I ever ask too much again, please tell me.” A person with nefarious intent will unmatch you – which in my case he did.

4.
Be Aware of "Love Bombing"

If the person is too complimentary and flirty and you have not met them yet, run far and run fast. One man texted me a heart shaped latte every morning for a week. When we finally met, I was wearing baggy overalls and he made a negative comment about them. He was an attorney and graduated from Stanford and Yale but the love bombing combined with the criticism are signs of a narcissist. Nope.

5.
Lower Your Expectations (+Set Your Own) But Do Not Settle

I know this sounds contradictory but here’s what I mean. Think of it as online shopping. Sometimes you order a fabulous dress that turns out to be a potato sack with sequins. So set time limits, have an escape plan and remember, you’re not auditioning for a lifetime of bad dates. If you lower your expectations walking into it, you can be pleasantly surprised if the person turns out to be awesome. Set your own expectations: One of my friends caps her meetings at 45 minutes. She also asks for a video meeting before meeting IRL. If they are unwilling to do that, it’s a pass for her. Also, if they are 15 minutes late, she sticks to her originally exit time. It can save loads of time and energy. It’s also empowering. No need to settle. If it doesn’t feel right to you, move on. Which leads me to my next bit. . .

6.
Have Their Cell Number? Time to Cyberstalk

Time to be a detective. Do a google search of just their phone number. Oftentimes it reveals their last name (then check LinkedIn) and where they live. One time, I learned that someone lied about their age by 5 years, said he owned a home in Oakland Hills and said he knew a mutual contact really well (he wasn’t connected with him on LinkedIn). I should have listened to my gut. He turned out to be a weirdo. If I don’t know their cell, I’ll ask them for their last name before meeting in person. If I can’t find them online, it’s a pass for me.

7.
Listen to Your Gut (and Your Date’s Words)

I’m a fan of the quote, “People will tell you who they are, you just have to listen.” One person told me he doesn’t like change. Um what? Another man told me he has an “addictive personality”. While these comments seem innocent enough, it provides a window into their behavior. Listen.

8.
Check How You Feel Emotionally

Picture yourself conquering Mount Everest while sipping champagne. Now is the time to channel your inner badassery. Meditate. Envision feeling comfortable during your date – no matter what.

9.
Be Independent

Maintaining your independence and continuing to pursue your own hobbies and interests is so important during this time of rediscovery. Think about things you’ve always wanted to try or been curious about and learn something new. Do something that scares you. When you’re passionate about a project or excited about a risk you took, it shines through in conversations.

10.
Refrain from TMI On a Date

Save the therapy session for your shrink. Changing the stories that no longer serve us is one option. Focus on what was learned and the great things that are ahead. I went on a 3-hour hike with someone who talked about his ex the entire time. It was not only boring AF, but it was clear that he wasn’t ready for any kind of relationship. Goodbye.

11.
No Glove, No Love

If you do meet someone worthy of sleeping with, condoms are king. If they refuse or they have excuses, ask yourself why they are being disrespectful of your wishes. Protect your healthy, vibrant vagina. If you’re not comfortable demanding condom use, then don’t date. Seriously. STIs in our 50s and beyond is no joke. Google “gonorrhea” and click the images. Enough said. Our bodies change and we are more sensitive to PH imbalances and STIs because our vaginal tissue may be more vulnerable to infection than it was before menopause. A word about condoms: There are loads of chemicals on condoms that aren’t great for our midlife vibrant vaginas. There are “vagina- friendly” condoms which means there are no fragrances, dyes, petrochemicals or nitrosamines. One is Hanx and the other is Sustain – not found in pharmacies typically. If things get serious and you both want a monogamous relationship, get tested before going raw. Be sure you see the test results with your own eyes. If you’re both into each other, this should never be an issue.

12.
Enjoy the Journey

Online dating should be fun. It’s a great way to meet new people and sometimes meaningful connections happen. I’ve found that being open to friendships is pretty great too. At this stage of life, we’re more confident in our own skin and know what we want and know what we don’t want in our lives. Although it’s not perfect, online dating is a great way to meet new humans. Cheers to new possibilities!